Today I took the train to work and I only had to drive for 10 minutes without traffic and not want to kill everyone else on the road and I got to read my book before work and stare out windows and the world passing me by. It was quite nice.
“He will know from an early age that failure is not disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t.”—Craig Ferguson “American on Purpose”
There’s not many women who can belt out a note that encompasses an entire venue for a solid minute and keep up the intensity for an 90 minute set. But Florence and the Machine is quite the force to be reckoned with. I’ve never seen anything in my life as epic as her performance last night.
I think I found myself in the pieces of you: parentheses beginning and homes ending and faith in the way the moon washes the shores. Preservations (like openings) in awkward sentences and uncertain dances and the way your eyes shine against mine. Water flowing and people falling, falling, falling, falling. Some days I think our threads have been wound tight just so we can watch the way each other unravels; feel the strength of spring in our veins. It is a strange thing, watching the tide come in and waiting for the sun to drown, but I can still feel your laughter in the waves’ crashing rolls and see our days in the way the water wraps its arms around me.
I keep putting off the things I’m supposed to be doing because sometimes I don’t like reliving the past and I’m so overwhelmed with how much I’m working lately but yesterday Florence Welch made me feel alive with Lungs and Andrew Davie made me feel alive through Goldmine and I think all anyone is ever really wanting is some excuse to feel our hearts beating under our chests.
I think if I can learn to be happy here: in a town I no longer love, in a house that I’ve outlived my stay, in a job that drains my soul, and with feet that will always be still but ache to move, then I do believe I can be happy anywhere.
That being said yesterday I made to-do lists and tried to figure out how to get myself motivated again, and today I’m doing those things.
“I really don’t know why it is that all of us are so committed to the sea, except I think it is because in addition to the fact that the sea changes and the light changes, and ships change, it is because we all came from the sea. And it is an interesting biological fact that all of us have, in our veins the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean, and, therefore, we have salt in our blood, in our sweat, in our tears. We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea, whether it is to sail or to watch it we are going back from whence we came.”—John F. Kennedy (via thenakedbrowneye)
These days my best friend is a duck. We don’t really do much together, just stare at the others existence and we aren’t really quite sure if we’re afraid of each other or want to waddle around together. However it’s nice being in a relationship where words aren’t necessary and you’re content just staring at the other for twenty minutes.
“I do not care what car you drive. Where you live. If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this years cutting edge. If you are A list or B list or never heard of you list. If your trust fund is unlimited. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones or skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.”—Andre Jordan (via apanoplyofsong)
I’ve been doing things by myself for 22 years. And every second of all of it, has driven me crazy with loneliness. But today I drove outside with the window rolled down with the sun beating down and I tried to understand what it feels like to be in my own skin. Because I’ve always shied away from myself. I think true happiness comes from loving yourself and today I took one step closer to trying to achieve that goal. Severely tiny steps, but they’re steps in the direction I think I’m supposed to be taking.
Also it’s hard for sunny weather to put you in a bad mood.
Okay, taking these happiness posts more seriously because happiness is hard but I’m tough and I can fucking be happy dammit. (maybe too hostile, but whatever)
Today at work my coworker sent me to this website called panda-something (I don’t remember) and I was laughing so hard my cheeks hurt and my stomach ached and I can’t really remember the last time I laughed that hard and I’ve grown quite fond of my cube-mate and our attempt at decorating the space with doodles on post-it notes. (We clearly do a lot of ‘work’ at work…)
I just wanna thank Angelica for today because she knows how to pull somebody out of the cloud of self-doubt they hide themselves in.